I had a dream last night that I let an expensive vase fall to the floor and it crashed into a million little pieces. I don’t know who’s vase it was, I would probably have never owned something so pretty or expensive. But I knew that somehow that vase falling to the floor meant it could never be put back together again. Waking up, I knew this was an unconscious metaphor for my marriage, and most of all, my life.
Most people who know me think my life has fallen apart. I’m getting a divorce after eight years of marriage, three children, businesses and a bunch of accumulated stuff. Singing the song about how my marriage got in trouble is exhausting, most of it coming down to me not finding the courage to listen to that itty bitty voice that kept telling me something was wrong. And not necessarily with my husband. I’m the first to admit that something has been wrong, seriously wrong with me.
I’m in transition, waiting for my house to be ready, living out of suitcases and boxes but I will tell you, I’ve have never had such clarity. Let me tell you what happens when you don’t listen to the voice that you know is your own:
-you look to others to create the happiness you wish you had the courage to create
-you blame others when the happiness you seek eludes you
-and like an buoy in the sea, you float further and further away from the you that exists inside.
If you follow this blog you know I’ve been running from things most of my adult life; my writing, vulnerability, success and now I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve been running from myself. Somewhere along the way, I stopped doing the things that made me happy, I stopped recognizing the things in the Universe that brought me joy and I stopped listening to the Racheal inside me that has pretty much always been right about things.
Despite all of the chaos around me, I am over trying to pick up the pieces and recreate the life I used to live. I am learning that just because things fall apart, doesn’t mean they are meant to be put back together again (you see how that worked out for Humpty Dumpty, right). I am hell bent on creating new experiences, and learning whatever it is the Universe is trying to teach me.
What does this have to do with my writing, you ask? Well, I just walked away from a ten year relationship, endured some of the worst drama a girl could ask for. I don’t think I have a goddamn thing to be afraid of anymore.