It happens to us all. We run towards the things and people that hurt us, make us cry and mean us harm. But the things we know are good; good to us and good for us, we run away from like it’s Hurricane Irene.
I got invited to a writers thingy today, the kind of event where people who think like me would’ve probably been at. I need to socialize more, make more real life writing friends. But I stayed home. I did spend about eight hours at a work event this morning, but that’s not the point. I realized that just about any time I’m invited to one of these social events, a meetup, a reading or a release party, my first inclination is think of the dishes I need to wash or the laundry that needs to be put up. And the ironic thing is that I absolutely love being in this kind of environment. I am my most authentic self, I don’t have to apologize for being a well read, argumentative girl who loves the spotlight (fyi, give me a microphone and I WILL find something to say).
Sometimes I think I’m part masochist. I deprive myself of things that will make me feel good, for no reason (Coldstone Creamery on a day that’s not my birthday, or a new shirt from H&M that’s not on sale). And why do I do this? Wish I knew. Sometimes it’s the feeling of not being worthy of good things, new things, expensive things. Not sure where this mentality came from. I’ve been working it out in therapy. But today I asked myself, when will I give myself permission to accept good things. When will it stop hurting to feel good?
I’m giving myself an assignment. Everyday I’m going to give myself permission to feel good about something that would normally stir up feelings of unworthiness, guilt or shame. Today it might be a bowl of ice cream in a waffle bowl with caramel syrup (don’t judge). Tomorrow it might be going to church an catching the Holy Ghost (maybe not). But you get the point. Try to do the same. Give yourself permission to let in the good. Because if you wont, who else will?